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Daily Prophet Gossip Column

4th April, 2005. 6:18 pm. Veritaserum #8

Hullo dearies!

We've a new fresh victim for questioning this week...The formerly virginal, Miss Hermione Granger!

Ask her anything you'd like. Might I suggest inquiring as to what the deal is with her infamous hair?

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22nd March, 2005. 9:50 pm. This Week's Edition, INTRIGUE!

Well Hello, my little gossip gals and guys, this week is a particularly steamy edition, involving all the women of Hogwarts walking about with . . . different beaus?

Much has to be said about the newly titled Ronald 'The Bloody' Weasley, who has axe murder written all over him, in his own blood! True to his title, he is bleedy profusely, from the nose, thanks to his Cocaine dealing sister. And true to it's literal meaning, Luna Lovegood is missing, and so, supposedly, are his ex-girlfriend and Snape.

Perhaps what many psychologists say is right, as most happy parents produce unhappy children with unhappy relationships, as obviously Ginevra can't keep herself in one long enough, or for that matter, keep a man for long enough. The little bint was seen stumbling out of the boys dormitories smelling of booze and sex, but of course, Draco is firing back with his own little tramp, Silvana de Loncres, Hogwart's own french slut! Rumor has it that they've been shagging between Draco's time with Ginevra. Or perhaps he's been driven completely opposite by both of them, and found refreshment in the arms of one Remus Lupin?

Is it true, can Snape and Hermione be sharing a common interest, other than bad hair? It is true, they both agree that they can't get away from one another fast enough, and find trollops to frolic with on their down time. Hermione, when she was seen, was seen to be playing in the water with a cabana boy, wearing, as he described it, 'a shimmering thong.'

Though, as I mentioned, Snape isn't far behind, with his own little harlot, Pansy Parkinson, who has been chasing him for months. Or perhaps he's decided to go feral with Luna . . . what is the word for people who like to play with unconscious folk?

Speaking of the feral and crazy Loony Lovegood, we've heard reports that Azkaban is cleaning out a cell for her, as she's gone completely mental and killed her father in the process. Afterwards, she proceeded to have sex with anything that moved. For example: Snorkacks, trees, Snape, and the illustriously horrible in bed, Harry Potter.

Of course, not far behind in the cheating order is one Albus Dumbledore. His current ministrations of schooling have been overseen by his personal oral masuesse -- whoops, I mean shoulder masuesse -- Poppy Pomfrey. Unfortunately, Minerva McGonagall has found out about their trysts, and is locking herself in her room, my sources say that Hermione Granger is horning in on the Transfiguration position, so she's 'helping' Minerva out.

That's all for this week my littl squirrels, go forth and do as well as you have done!

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22nd March, 2005. 6:44 pm. Veritaserum #7

Our favorite dark haired foreigner is up for questioning. Miss Silvana de Loncres is here to answer all of your questions. I apologize for the delay, this reporter has been feeling a bit blue, and Professor Lupin has not been forthcoming with the chocolate.

Enjoy!

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13th March, 2005. 9:08 pm. Veritaserum the sixth...

Well, darlings, in honor of the recently past full moon, we have a real treat this week. Remus Lupin, former Hogwarts professor, ready for your howlingly clever questions.

 

enjoy!

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13th March, 2005. 8:57 am. The Daily Prophet #6

Well, it seems like gossip has been as dry as Miss Granger's womb this week, but I will make the best out of what I have. *clears throat*

 

Speaking of Hermione Granger, this last week, with her life hanging in the balance, her supposedly concerned beau moved on with none other than Ginny Weasley...AND his daughter Silvana! *shudder* Pureblooded Wizards have the STRANGEST taste in women.

Speaking of strange women, could Luna Lovegood have possibly been the cause of Miss Granger's puzzling and deadly sickness? Perhaps. Could she be the cause of her former flame's addiction to a muggle substance called cocaine? No, actually that is his sister's fault. Dear Miss Weasley, can you do nothing right? Apparently, her parents think not, as they have disowned the little strawberry tart.

Remus Lupin seems to be making himself at home in Miss Lovegood's...rooms. But which Miss Lovegood? I am to understand that there are several.

 

Well darlings, that is all she wrote!

Be sure to give me something more to look at next time!

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7th March, 2005. 4:17 pm. Veritaserum #5

We have a real treat with us this week, darlings. The bat of the dungeons, Mr. Gloom-and-Doom himself, Severus Snape.

Have a field day!

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5th March, 2005. 12:21 pm. Daily Prophet #5

It looks like baby fever is the newest craze this week!

While Hermione Granger tries and tries to have something she can never obtain, Ginny Weasley seems to have given prospective parenting the old middle finger, and has recently gotten an abortion. Perhaps she should've waited to see if the child had blonde hair or black hair before cruelly ending its life. It has also been said that Miss Lovegood is expecting, but alas, the babe will probably not have red hair. Poor Mr. Weasley. I guess he's always be second fiddle to the tall dark and brooding types...

In other news, it seems that due to a dark haired foreign belle, the relationship between Hermione Granger and Severus Snape is now quite over. Thank. The. Gods.

It appears that the-boy-who-lived-to-be-rubbish-in-the-sack has made the rounds once more, having a steamy tryst with his best mate's girl. Dear, Harry...always playing with someone else's toys. He's not the only one with an interest in Miss Lovegood's charms. Reportedly, Draco Malfoy and the newly arrived Viktor Krum have all had a taste of that particular pie.

Draco's wandering ways could be credited to the fact that his baby-killing girlfriend has recently developed a taste for the fairer sex, all stemming from a special Christmas present she brought to him.

In closing, let us give a fond farewell to HArry Potter who has departed for the Galapagos Islands recently, and a warning for unsuspecting young men to stay away from the still-grieving Remus Lupin.

Ta!

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28th February, 2005. 10:19 am. Veritaserum the fourth

Well darlings, in the chair this week we have Draco Malfoy, the platinum slytherin prince that everybody loves to hate. What have you to ask this young man?

He's all yours! *winks*

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27th February, 2005. 4:24 pm. The Daily Prophet Issue #4

There is a name that has been causing delightfully pleasurable shivers up the spine of many a resident of Hogwarts lately: Silvana de Loncres

This dark haired little vixen is rumored to be the lovechild of Albus Dumbledore and a power hungry Beauxbatons pupil. What has this little foreigner been up to as of late? Well...I would ask Argus Filch about the young ladies method of gaining admittance into the recent Yule Masquerade, he'll tell you plenty, as will Mrs. Norris.

One might also ask the-boy-who-lived-to-shag-Silvana-and-then-disappear-completely what sort of lover Miss de Loncres is.

Moving on, despite rumors of his involvment in Nymphadora Tonks's new state of affairs, Severus Snape was caught enjoying his young lover's oral skills, during a brief interlude during the Yule Masquerade. Apparently it was all in effort to disuade him from flitting off merrily with a young blonde. These skills can be attributed to long hours with an anonymous fourth year, and Draco Malfoy himself.

Love is in the heir, and so are babies...not to be out done by her changeable friend, Luna Lovegood is rumored to be with child. It is not clear whether a Mr. Ronald Weasley will be called Papa, or Cuckold, as she was seen in a very compromising position with Mr. Harry Potter not too long ago. He seemed to enjoy her habit of rolling around practically naked in the the soil.

What will her boyfriend, Mr. Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll, himself have to say to these rumors? And what of a mysterious package he received? Could it be from one of his many knicker tossing fans? Also, what of the strange hybrid birds that appear to be popping up all over the place?

Speaking of popping up all over the place, Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley are very much together after a highly publicized split. Anyone within a five mile radius of them during the night of the masquerade have commented on the distant clanging of chains, and the mighty crack of a whip, followed by some very interesting pleas.

Well, darlings, I hope that has sated your dark desire for now. Until next week!

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21st February, 2005. 1:48 pm. Veritaserum volume three!

This week in the interview chair we have the lovely, but profoundly disturbing, Luna Lovegood. She will hear you questions throughout the week, and be forced to answer them all truthfully.

Have fun, sweethearts!

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